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Crime Beat

@ Sunday Times Books LIVE

Crime Beat: Major kak at the FLF

Trouble is brewing, to coin a cliche. Last night in the deep dark hours I was summoned to a disused warehouse in Paarden Island to view a press release from four disgruntled dudes in black. They all wore balaclavas but their names are not unknown to your trusted scribe at Crime Beat.

In the vast and sinister and empty premises they sat behind a table on which were an array of weaponry, including a pen. The press release was an eyes-only affair. I memorised it at a glance.

It read: “We the undersigned are highly pissed off at being dismissed and dissed by the mafia who run the FLF. We demand equal status on press reports. It was brought to our notice by our people that we were deliberately and maliciously left off a document headed “Local luminaries at the 2014 Franschhoek Literary Festival” . The dames who control that croissant and latte event are getting above their delicatessen. They have twenty-four (24) hours in which to make good. We demand that the FLF issue a press release stating our presence at the this so-called literary event. We will not be sidelined as inconsequential commercial hacks. We are deadly serious. Our role in causing distress and mayhem to academics and fellow travellers is well documented.  We demand the right to equal publicity. If Sarah Lotz can be mentioned then so can we. Watch out, ladies, we know where yous live.”

That was all I had time to read before I was rudely pushed aside by two hitmen who sometimes go by the names Spekkies and Hoena. They both belong to the notorious Double Cheese gang that controls the illegal burger trade in Cape Town.  I saw them take weapons from the items on the table. Neither of them took the pen.

I walked out into the darkness and watched from a doorway as the gang of four got into their motors and roared off into the mean streets of the city. The smell of exhaust fumes and bad attitude wafted on the harsh south easter. Without a doubt nasty stuff will go down at the FLF. There will be blood on the floor. Be there on the Friday evening (May 16) and Saturday morning for these dates with destiny. Oo-la-la, ek se.


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